Read Part 1

A common refrain from people after learning about an abusive relationship is to ask about the person who has endured the abuse, “Why didn’t she just leave?”

First, a note regarding the use of the word “she” as the victim: It’s important to understand that women, men and gender- nonconforming people can all be on the receiving end of DV, so we certainly shouldn’t make assumptions that only one gender encounters this type of abuse. It’s equally important to understand that women are most often the victims of DV, and they certainly are at higher risk of injury and death from DV. You can find data through the National Institutes of Justice and the Centers for Disease Control as a starting point if you’re interested in diving into the numbers. Now, to the question of why didn’t s/he leave.

First, if “just leaving” were easy, most people involved in a violent relationship would probably walk away. Violent relationships don’t begin violently. When I give presentations on this topic, I often ask, “If you went on a first date with someone and they punched you in the face, would you go on a second date?” Of course not. If only batterers made their intentions so blindingly clear at the outset, it would solve DV because no one would tolerate it. Domestic violence starts with subtle behaviors that may even seem flattering to the victim.

It looks like this: “Where were you? I can’t believe you didn’t call me back. I was really worried – something could have happened!” There’s nothing wrong with this, right? Many of us may have said this exact phrase to someone, legitimately concerned.

But, it’s problematic when it’s out of proportion to the situation, and / or when the “worried” partner is a little more demanding that the other partner report in and a little more upset that it took them so long and a little more “concerned” about what they were doing and who they were doing it with during each “incident” over the next few days and weeks. If the person on the receiving end of this behavior possibly grew up feeling like s/he was often vulnerable or undesirable, this type of “attentiveness” may feel like protectiveness, desire, and love.

Another important element in an abusive relationship that often gets overlooked is love. All of us have been blinded by love (or at least hormones) at some point. We’ve overlooked the fact that he talks with his mouth full or she interrupts frequently or they scratch themselves awkwardly in public because we love them. Why is it so surprising that someone would overlook or minimize early and subtle warning signs of a deeper problem? The fact that she got really jealous gets rationalized as, “she must really love me.” The fact that he got so upset that his partner wasn’t checking in frequently gets rationalized as, “he’s protective of me.”

By the time a person realizes just how dangerous their situation is, that person is probably in over their head. Isolation is a classic maneuver by batterers. So is financial control. So, by the time a person is ready to leave an abusive partner, that person may not have any contact with family or friends, and may not have access to any financial resources to “just leave.”

Further, by this point, the victim’s self-image has probably been worn down to almost nothing. If children and pets are involved, there are extra levels of risk and complication. Remember when I said DV is complex? It’s not just one behavior that’s a problem. It’s a vortex of abusive and controlling behaviors that suck a victim into a situation that can feel almost impossible to extract themselves from.

Finally, leaving is just plain dangerous. This is particularly true for women leaving violent men. If she’s going to be killed, it’s likely to happen when she tries to leave or during the (approximately) two weeks after she leaves. Living in terror is horrendous, but living in terror is still living, which trumps death.

If reading this makes you sad, take heart. In the next issue, we will discuss how you can be part of the solution to intimate partner violence.

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